A prompt & a pearl: Week 14
A writing prompt and bit of writing insight (mostly) once a week in 2024
This past weekend I saw someone who knew of me in my teens and early twenties when I was in an abusive relationship with a man who groomed me. This person, who is related to my ex, insisted on questioning me about decisions I made thirty some odd years ago. I was gracious at first. Maybe too gracious.
I’ve done a lot of healing around that fucked up relationship. I’ve asked myself countless times: What did you ever see in that trash ass man, girl? Why did you stay with him for so long? How did you get wrapped up in that shit in the first place?
I know why I did, and have compassion for the girl I was who fell prey to a predator.
This person, whom I have never had a conversation with or broken bread with or even seen in like 25 years, proceeded to make me and the decisions I made long ago the brunt of her jokes. I kept my cool. I did not flip out. I walked away, but I confess that I seethed in the car afterwards because wtf? Why are people like this?
Listen, we’ve all don’t shit we are not proud of; we’ve made decisions we look back on with horror, maybe even shame; we haven’t always shown up as our best selves. This is what it means to be human. Unfortunately, there will always be someone who will try to weaponize your past. When you tell them to stop and that you don’t appreciate them treating you this way, they will claim “it’s just a joke,” will tell you to “relax, don’t be so serious.” (Warning: Don’t ever tell me to relax. Ever.) They make you out to be the problem because you’re just too sensitive. Fuck that, no. This is emotional manipulation.
I don’t like to be teased. I don’t like to be joked with. I know this goes back to childhood, but the truth is the reasons don’t matter. I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to tolerate it, especially not from strangers.
As I reflected on my reaction and how I handled the situation, I realized one positive thing came from this: I am acutely aware of how protective I’ve become of that young woman I was. This is huge because I was ashamed of her for a long time. She deserves kindness and gentleness, and I won’t stand for anyone trying to degrade her or me. Nah. We ain’t playing that game. Ever.
I’m learning more and more that sometimes (often?) my healing is most obvious in my interactions with people and how I respond (or don’t) to their ridiculousness.
This situation inspired this week’s prompt.
The Prompt
Write about a decision you made in the recent or distant past that you’ve been judged for. Looking back, why did you make this choice? Have you considered where you were in your life and in your healing (or lack thereof) that could have contributed? Have you forgiven yourself for making this choice? What would you say to the person you were then? How have you handled the judgment you’ve received? If you could go back and respond to the judgment, what would you say? As you write, notice how you feel, write about, treat that past you. Are you ashamed of them? Are you compassionate? Are you angry? Stay there. Dig. You may be on to something.
The Pearl
If you write about your life, you will be judged for daring to think your life is worthy of being documented. You’ll be judged for what you write and how you write and why you write. Shit, even if you don't write about your life folks will find reasons, will make up reasons to judge you. Do the work so when this judgment comes in, you’ll have the backbone to deal with it. You’ll have done the healing around the wounds so they’re not reopened. This does not mean you won’t get pissed off by people’s audacity, as happened to me. (As my Dominican friends say: “Y esa confianza?!”) That shit is annoying and also insensitive as fuck. You have a right to feel what you feel. Your feelings are valid. And you will also rest assured knowing this is weak shit done by weak people who are energy sucking vampires. People like this got nothing on you or on me.
And that’s all I gotta say about that. (Forrest Gump voice) Period.
Stay fierce and bad ass and as always, no dejes que te jodan,
V
P.S. There’s still room for folks in this weekend’s one-day, online Writing the Mother Wound. Saturday, May 4th, 12-3pm, $75, partial scholarships available. Have questions? Interested? Email me: writingourlivesworkshop@gmail.com
Thanks for this. This exercise also made me see a decision anew that I have also judged myself for... <3
I started writing to this prompt this morning, but it ended up going into another direction - a decision I was judged for, sure, but one I wish I had leaned into even further. And it’s of course about my mother - how I wish I’d kept her further away from me at an important moment in my life. Really looking forward to class tomorrow!