I'm so sorry for your losses, Vanessa, and so happy you're healing that mother wound. I haven't seen my mother in almost 25 years. We've communicated only briefly in a few perfunctory texts in that time. Part of the reason I divorced my mother (and my family...if there was any opportunity, she would see that as an invitation and force her way in) was because I didn't want that pain and anger to continue. I didn't want to be like her. So I will say to you what I have said to myself and to friends in similar situations: I am so sorry you didn't get the mother you deserved. Congratulations on who you are in spite of that. Thank you for sharing this. xo
Even in the rawness of fresh grief, your curation of the medicine remains on point. Those lines from Cheryl Strayed and Judith Butler are everything. As are yours. Sitting with you in the ache for the “I gotchu” love from a mother that never quite comes, and wishing you abundant signs from elsewhere that can help to salve that ache.
Hi. Thanks for sharing. My mom passed in January and mentally/emotionally abused me. No one ever saw it because with everyone else she was on her best behavior. I don't miss her, I don't feel guilty for not missing her. She taught me how to cook and gave me my love for reading. But the damage she did will take a while to heal. At 57, I'm finally free. Many hugs to you.
"In making something beautiful out of my pain, I have created a safe space for myself in the world" Yes, I understand. As I read your piece, I reflected on my relationship with my biological mother, very different, but equally complicated. Thank you for this.
Jul 18, 2023·edited Jul 18, 2023Liked by Vanessa Mártir
You gave me the name for the thing I needed to name, years ago, "The Mother Wound." So much of this grief I share with you. My mother is still alive, a strange person in my life, someone I take care of now, even though she abused me all my life. It's a strange time for me, and I am grateful for the way you share your experiences of things I use to believe I was alone in, and things I will eventually experience, too, and know I am not alone in.
One of the interesting things about rage, is that when I found a long lost cousin of my mother's, one of the very first things we agreed upon was that our family was "full of rage." Both of us had fled it, and both of us had sworn not to visit it upon anyone else. We worked this out in our different ways (mine, by not having children at all, and working through it alone, doing research, trying to learn about the world, and why it had made my family the way it was/is.) I should specify that when I say my "family" I mean my mother and her family. We did not know my father's family at all.
Thank you for this, and for all your work. And for the workshop that was ironically suspended by the loss of your mother.
I'm not sure I will ever actually "heal." But I'm fine with surviving. And man, I would love to find that "I gotchu" love someday -- but I have learned to take it in small doses from my better friends, and even from good strangers, dipping into that sweet water like a hummingbird wherever I find it.
This resonated with me to tears. The “deliberate, relentless work” to heal. I am working along side you. We are clawing at the soil to make beautiful things grow. To eat and to share. Thank you for your words, the work you have done to heal and to show us the light.
Sis, so sorry about the passing of your mom. Thank you for sharing this beautiful and sincere piece. You always give me courage to be brave with my writing and with my own grief. So powerful to give our stories so much beauty despite the pain. Keeping you in my thoughts and sending love and light💜☀️🌻
I just got back from a therapy session where my mother (who died in 2012 from cancer) featured prominently. I've done a lot of therapy and have definitely dealt with my mother before, but today felt very different. Reading your story really helped with the emotions I am feeling and perhaps suppressing a bit. I hope this helps unlock them as I process all these thoughts and memories of my mom. All the best to you with your journey. KVB.
So many parallels with my own story! My mother’s rage, the death of my brother. The difficulty in expressing it all. But I have let my story marinate. Mom died in 1996, my younger brother in 2018. I’m calling it “My Mother’s Ghosts” because not only was I wounded, but she was wounded her estranged mother as she was informally adopted & raised by her grandmother who had her own suffering. Best of luck to you on your journey.
Love your openness about your trauma and ongoing struggles with grief. It’s not easy to be raw and visceral with our lives and how we’re feeling. Sending you lots of positive and healing energy, Vanessa. May you find your mental and emotional peace sooner than later.
I'm so sorry for your losses, Vanessa, and so happy you're healing that mother wound. I haven't seen my mother in almost 25 years. We've communicated only briefly in a few perfunctory texts in that time. Part of the reason I divorced my mother (and my family...if there was any opportunity, she would see that as an invitation and force her way in) was because I didn't want that pain and anger to continue. I didn't want to be like her. So I will say to you what I have said to myself and to friends in similar situations: I am so sorry you didn't get the mother you deserved. Congratulations on who you are in spite of that. Thank you for sharing this. xo
Even in the rawness of fresh grief, your curation of the medicine remains on point. Those lines from Cheryl Strayed and Judith Butler are everything. As are yours. Sitting with you in the ache for the “I gotchu” love from a mother that never quite comes, and wishing you abundant signs from elsewhere that can help to salve that ache.
Hi. Thanks for sharing. My mom passed in January and mentally/emotionally abused me. No one ever saw it because with everyone else she was on her best behavior. I don't miss her, I don't feel guilty for not missing her. She taught me how to cook and gave me my love for reading. But the damage she did will take a while to heal. At 57, I'm finally free. Many hugs to you.
"In making something beautiful out of my pain, I have created a safe space for myself in the world" Yes, I understand. As I read your piece, I reflected on my relationship with my biological mother, very different, but equally complicated. Thank you for this.
This is absolutely beautiful! Thank you for sharing for incredible writing
Beautiful
From someone who relates, thank you for sharing 🩷
You gave me the name for the thing I needed to name, years ago, "The Mother Wound." So much of this grief I share with you. My mother is still alive, a strange person in my life, someone I take care of now, even though she abused me all my life. It's a strange time for me, and I am grateful for the way you share your experiences of things I use to believe I was alone in, and things I will eventually experience, too, and know I am not alone in.
One of the interesting things about rage, is that when I found a long lost cousin of my mother's, one of the very first things we agreed upon was that our family was "full of rage." Both of us had fled it, and both of us had sworn not to visit it upon anyone else. We worked this out in our different ways (mine, by not having children at all, and working through it alone, doing research, trying to learn about the world, and why it had made my family the way it was/is.) I should specify that when I say my "family" I mean my mother and her family. We did not know my father's family at all.
Thank you for this, and for all your work. And for the workshop that was ironically suspended by the loss of your mother.
I'm not sure I will ever actually "heal." But I'm fine with surviving. And man, I would love to find that "I gotchu" love someday -- but I have learned to take it in small doses from my better friends, and even from good strangers, dipping into that sweet water like a hummingbird wherever I find it.
So moving, thank you!
This resonated with me to tears. The “deliberate, relentless work” to heal. I am working along side you. We are clawing at the soil to make beautiful things grow. To eat and to share. Thank you for your words, the work you have done to heal and to show us the light.
Vanessa, thank you, as always for your presence, your words, your heart. This is a big virtual hug gifted to us. Sending a big virtual hug back at ya'
Sis, so sorry about the passing of your mom. Thank you for sharing this beautiful and sincere piece. You always give me courage to be brave with my writing and with my own grief. So powerful to give our stories so much beauty despite the pain. Keeping you in my thoughts and sending love and light💜☀️🌻
I just got back from a therapy session where my mother (who died in 2012 from cancer) featured prominently. I've done a lot of therapy and have definitely dealt with my mother before, but today felt very different. Reading your story really helped with the emotions I am feeling and perhaps suppressing a bit. I hope this helps unlock them as I process all these thoughts and memories of my mom. All the best to you with your journey. KVB.
So many parallels with my own story! My mother’s rage, the death of my brother. The difficulty in expressing it all. But I have let my story marinate. Mom died in 1996, my younger brother in 2018. I’m calling it “My Mother’s Ghosts” because not only was I wounded, but she was wounded her estranged mother as she was informally adopted & raised by her grandmother who had her own suffering. Best of luck to you on your journey.
Love your openness about your trauma and ongoing struggles with grief. It’s not easy to be raw and visceral with our lives and how we’re feeling. Sending you lots of positive and healing energy, Vanessa. May you find your mental and emotional peace sooner than later.
Wow. I feel grateful to have read this. Thank you for sharing.